Meme: five words, part 2: parenting
Jun. 20th, 2009 09:46 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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kcobweb, a meme: comment on this post and I'll tell you five subjects/things I associate with you. Then you post them in your lj and elaborate.
I was given Composition. Shyness. Feminism. Singing. Parenting. I did feminism back in March (!), and have been kinda busy since (moving and all). Since it's Father's Day, thought I would do Parenting next.
For those who don't know, I have a 21-month-old named Miriam, and I have been, in some sense, her primary caregiver since she was 1 month old or so. My wife Jen is a high-powered researcher who was working full-time in her chosen career trajectory (she has just this month moved on to a tenure-track position), while I was stuck with part-time adjunct teaching jobs, which are good for my CV, but not terribly impressive and certainly not financially lucrative. I can't really say that I planned to be a stay-at-home dad; I don't really remember what my parental aspirations were, although I'm fairly sure I expected to play a larger role in my children's lives than the traditional picture of fatherhood. Still, when the time came, there really wasn't any choice: I was it. (Although Jen has always been in charge of Miriam from bedtime to breakfast, which is a really big part of the job, so I can't claim that I carry all the load.)
I knew going into it that parenting was difficult; everyone was happy to tell me that. What they didn't tell me was HOW. I imagined chasing toddlers around, keeping them out of things, and so forth-- a test of physical skill. I knew about the sleepless nights (though I avoided those). But what people DIDN'T tell me, maybe out of some sense of loyalty to one's children, is how BORING parenting can be. Sure babies are cute...for 15 minutes. But for 6-8 hours it can get kind of old. Toddlers do funny interesting things sometimes, but they also do extremely repetitive things which they find fascinating and you...not so much. A child asleep on your chest is adorable...for 10 minutes. The two hours after that, you can't move without waking them up: hope you arranged yourself so that a TV remote or a book or a laptop are nearby, and hope you're not hungry or have to go to the bathroom. It took a while for me to stop feeling bad about this, but I got over it, and now I don't feel bad at all about listening to my iPod with one earphone in while taking her for a walk around the neighborhood, or sitting with my laptop while she plays nearby. However, she requires just enough attention from me that I can't really get absorbed into anything, can't read anything too involved, can't work on research or write. I now understand the popularity of soap operas. :) (No, I don't actually watch them, but fluff entertainment is just what parents need during the day.)
It still does feel a little wrong to say that my precious little daughter is boring, but when you think about it, suppose you had to follow your spouse or SO or friend or whomever around at work for 8 hours a day, keeping an eye on them to make sure they didn't do a number of proscribed activities, while they mostly did things that made no sense to you. Yeah, that would be pretty boring too.
Of course, it's all punctuated by moments of brilliance and delightfulness. It's harder to write about the good parts, because they tend to be either cliches, or a multitude of tiny unique moments, or both. I know that if I go a day without her I miss her. Parenting is also a great source of pride; I mentioned in an earlier post that being a stay-at-home dad, and bucking the traditional male role, gives me a glimpse of what the male counterpart to "women's pride" might be.
The other thing no one told me about parenting is that it puts parents into competition with each other, or at least it has for us: the competition is for free time. When she gets home from work, I tend to let her take over and go retreat somewhere, but by the time she gets Miriam fed and to bed, she only gets an hour and a half (or less) of free time before going to bed herself. Also, when we're together like on our recent vacation, Jen tends to be in charge of Miriam most of the time. I don't know if this is fair or not: is it giving me a well-deserved break, or is it falling into gender stereotypes that mean more work for women? It's been a source of tension, certainly, particularly when Jen would want to do "extracurricular" activities in the evening. It doesn't help matters that Miriam tends to show a clear preference for Mummy when she is around; if Jen goes to the bathroom, Miriam will cry "Mummy!" and try to escape my grasp and run after her; she never does that in reverse. I've learned a trick or two-- I discovered during our vacation that offering to take Miriam for a walk could overcome her desire to cling to Mummy-- but much of the time I succumb to the temptation to let Miriam have her way, as it means less work for me. (One also wonders about Miriam's preference for Mummy: is it a gender thing, or is it because Mummy goes to work every day and Miriam has abandonment issues? Or something else?) I've tried to be more aware of her need for free time at home, but at the same time I try not to be haunted by guilt, allowing it to interfere with the free time I do need for my own sanity.
There's a lot more to say, but I'm going to stop here or else it won't be Father's Day and I'll lose my timeliness. :)
kcobweb, a meme: comment on this post and I'll tell you five subjects/things I associate with you. Then you post them in your lj and elaborate.I was given Composition. Shyness. Feminism. Singing. Parenting. I did feminism back in March (!), and have been kinda busy since (moving and all). Since it's Father's Day, thought I would do Parenting next.
For those who don't know, I have a 21-month-old named Miriam, and I have been, in some sense, her primary caregiver since she was 1 month old or so. My wife Jen is a high-powered researcher who was working full-time in her chosen career trajectory (she has just this month moved on to a tenure-track position), while I was stuck with part-time adjunct teaching jobs, which are good for my CV, but not terribly impressive and certainly not financially lucrative. I can't really say that I planned to be a stay-at-home dad; I don't really remember what my parental aspirations were, although I'm fairly sure I expected to play a larger role in my children's lives than the traditional picture of fatherhood. Still, when the time came, there really wasn't any choice: I was it. (Although Jen has always been in charge of Miriam from bedtime to breakfast, which is a really big part of the job, so I can't claim that I carry all the load.)
I knew going into it that parenting was difficult; everyone was happy to tell me that. What they didn't tell me was HOW. I imagined chasing toddlers around, keeping them out of things, and so forth-- a test of physical skill. I knew about the sleepless nights (though I avoided those). But what people DIDN'T tell me, maybe out of some sense of loyalty to one's children, is how BORING parenting can be. Sure babies are cute...for 15 minutes. But for 6-8 hours it can get kind of old. Toddlers do funny interesting things sometimes, but they also do extremely repetitive things which they find fascinating and you...not so much. A child asleep on your chest is adorable...for 10 minutes. The two hours after that, you can't move without waking them up: hope you arranged yourself so that a TV remote or a book or a laptop are nearby, and hope you're not hungry or have to go to the bathroom. It took a while for me to stop feeling bad about this, but I got over it, and now I don't feel bad at all about listening to my iPod with one earphone in while taking her for a walk around the neighborhood, or sitting with my laptop while she plays nearby. However, she requires just enough attention from me that I can't really get absorbed into anything, can't read anything too involved, can't work on research or write. I now understand the popularity of soap operas. :) (No, I don't actually watch them, but fluff entertainment is just what parents need during the day.)
It still does feel a little wrong to say that my precious little daughter is boring, but when you think about it, suppose you had to follow your spouse or SO or friend or whomever around at work for 8 hours a day, keeping an eye on them to make sure they didn't do a number of proscribed activities, while they mostly did things that made no sense to you. Yeah, that would be pretty boring too.
Of course, it's all punctuated by moments of brilliance and delightfulness. It's harder to write about the good parts, because they tend to be either cliches, or a multitude of tiny unique moments, or both. I know that if I go a day without her I miss her. Parenting is also a great source of pride; I mentioned in an earlier post that being a stay-at-home dad, and bucking the traditional male role, gives me a glimpse of what the male counterpart to "women's pride" might be.
The other thing no one told me about parenting is that it puts parents into competition with each other, or at least it has for us: the competition is for free time. When she gets home from work, I tend to let her take over and go retreat somewhere, but by the time she gets Miriam fed and to bed, she only gets an hour and a half (or less) of free time before going to bed herself. Also, when we're together like on our recent vacation, Jen tends to be in charge of Miriam most of the time. I don't know if this is fair or not: is it giving me a well-deserved break, or is it falling into gender stereotypes that mean more work for women? It's been a source of tension, certainly, particularly when Jen would want to do "extracurricular" activities in the evening. It doesn't help matters that Miriam tends to show a clear preference for Mummy when she is around; if Jen goes to the bathroom, Miriam will cry "Mummy!" and try to escape my grasp and run after her; she never does that in reverse. I've learned a trick or two-- I discovered during our vacation that offering to take Miriam for a walk could overcome her desire to cling to Mummy-- but much of the time I succumb to the temptation to let Miriam have her way, as it means less work for me. (One also wonders about Miriam's preference for Mummy: is it a gender thing, or is it because Mummy goes to work every day and Miriam has abandonment issues? Or something else?) I've tried to be more aware of her need for free time at home, but at the same time I try not to be haunted by guilt, allowing it to interfere with the free time I do need for my own sanity.
There's a lot more to say, but I'm going to stop here or else it won't be Father's Day and I'll lose my timeliness. :)
