Heavy

Aug. 27th, 2008 12:52 am
scottahill: (sad)
I really should be asleep. At 8am tomorrow (more or less) I have to take Miriam off Jen's hands so she can go to work, and if I am sleepy (as I have been the past couple of days) I will have a hard time dealing with her when she's cranky (Miriam, that is). But for some reason I am very tense. I think it's knowing that I should be asleep.

Right now I have Miriam by myself from 8:30am through 6-7pm Monday-Friday, except for nine hours when the babysitter comes. She's mostly a very sweet child, quick to smile, independent, can entertain herself for long periods of time. But the responsibility of watching her alone really wears me down. She has no concept of the need for sleep, and might be able to stay awake all day if I left her to her own devices (although she'd be crying by the end of it). Putting her to sleep means taking her outside in the hot Texas weather and walking her around until her head slumps...not that this always works. I hate being responsible for her diet, because I have enough trouble with my own. She seems to eat so little (other than milk) that I worry I'm not doing something right, not giving her enough food, or not giving her the right foods that she needs/craves/whatever. And even when she's playing by herself or sleeping, I feel too distracted to do anything involving more than a handful of brain cells. Lots of TV watching, websurfing, article reading, game playing. Then, when I do get some time off, I feel the time ticking away: only three hours' free, etc. Or if it's nighttime like now: I really want to do something, but I need to sleep or I'll be miserable tomorrow.

Mind you, it is nighttime and I tend to be at my grayest when I'm tired, but I feel heavy with responsibility and guilt. I need to be "enlightened" but don't know how.

Next week I start teaching again, which means that Jen takes on a larger share of the childcare. I hope that this better mix will be a relief to me, although I have my doubts-- teaching brings its own share of responsibility and guilt (for missed deadlines or hurried lectures).

My usual dysthymic self.

Anyway, I think I'm tired enough to fall asleep now. G'night.

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scottahill

September 2010

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