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scottahillFeeling rather depressed tonight. I was trying to write up job applications this afternoon, which got me thinking about my research, which I have sadly neglected since May. I have a paper to finish writing, on work I did last spring, but more importantly I need to do something new. When I write about "my research" in a cover letter, I feel like I'm trying to sham them. Unlike most physicists (as far as I know anyway), I'm not interested in continuing either my graduate or postgraduate research (bad experiences), so I'm trying to find my own way. Without knowing any people in my fields of interest very well, however, I have a hard time convincing myself that my research is worth anything. I don't even know if I should consider myself a physicist, or a mathematician, or what? (Maybe a civil engineer, given my transportation work.) I do have research ideas, but I need to spend time developing them. (Obviously the best way to tell whether it's worth anything is to do it, and then run it by people who would know better.)
Which leads me to the other problem: I can't get myself to work on it, or really much of anything. I do the stuff I need to do for my classes (often at the last minute and late into the night), but I am too anxious/dismotivated to do even the things I want to do, unless there is sufficient external pressure. I don't work on my research, I don't write music, I don't write the story that flits around in my head. What I do do is spend much of my free time watching TV, reading, and (most of all) on the Web. I fill my time with things that don't require commitment and don't allow for the possibility of failure. It's partly that the activities themselves cause anxiety. But it's also because I am afraid of investing energy in anything other than my classes and my job search: I am always having trouble keeping them up to date, and so I mustn't take on anything else, right? But it's not a question of time; I have loads of time, I just don't do anything with it.
I've often thought that a schedule would be the way to go: that I should schedule my work and my play and my downtime. Great, except I a) can't ever estimate the amount of time I need to prepare for class (or rather, it expands to fill all available time), and b) the schedule will be one more source of anxiety and chance for failure. Is it better to think "geez, I'm not getting anything done" or "geez, I screwed up 9am and 10am and 11am and 12pm and ...."?
And I'm lonely to boot. I always feel stupid saying that having Jen with me, but it's true: she's out of the house a lot, plus she empathizes with me too much so that I'm afraid to bring up the same troubles over and over again, which frustrate her too. (I do talk to her about them anyway.) And there's no one here I know well enough to complain to. I fear drowning other people with a flood of anxiety, fear scaring them away, and so I avoid getting too close to anyone. (I can't easily admit my problems with research to other physicists, for instance, because the ones I come in contact with tend to be involved with my employment....) And writing online feels distant and somewhat unsatisfying to me, particularly in this context where I never know if anyone will even read this.
And yes I should see a therapist, as I might be clinically depressed and I am certainly clinically anxious. Just one more thing to worry about. :)
Which leads me to the other problem: I can't get myself to work on it, or really much of anything. I do the stuff I need to do for my classes (often at the last minute and late into the night), but I am too anxious/dismotivated to do even the things I want to do, unless there is sufficient external pressure. I don't work on my research, I don't write music, I don't write the story that flits around in my head. What I do do is spend much of my free time watching TV, reading, and (most of all) on the Web. I fill my time with things that don't require commitment and don't allow for the possibility of failure. It's partly that the activities themselves cause anxiety. But it's also because I am afraid of investing energy in anything other than my classes and my job search: I am always having trouble keeping them up to date, and so I mustn't take on anything else, right? But it's not a question of time; I have loads of time, I just don't do anything with it.
I've often thought that a schedule would be the way to go: that I should schedule my work and my play and my downtime. Great, except I a) can't ever estimate the amount of time I need to prepare for class (or rather, it expands to fill all available time), and b) the schedule will be one more source of anxiety and chance for failure. Is it better to think "geez, I'm not getting anything done" or "geez, I screwed up 9am and 10am and 11am and 12pm and ...."?
And I'm lonely to boot. I always feel stupid saying that having Jen with me, but it's true: she's out of the house a lot, plus she empathizes with me too much so that I'm afraid to bring up the same troubles over and over again, which frustrate her too. (I do talk to her about them anyway.) And there's no one here I know well enough to complain to. I fear drowning other people with a flood of anxiety, fear scaring them away, and so I avoid getting too close to anyone. (I can't easily admit my problems with research to other physicists, for instance, because the ones I come in contact with tend to be involved with my employment....) And writing online feels distant and somewhat unsatisfying to me, particularly in this context where I never know if anyone will even read this.
And yes I should see a therapist, as I might be clinically depressed and I am certainly clinically anxious. Just one more thing to worry about. :)
